Bloggerific

"Happier" - by Guster
Say goodbye, lose your friends, make them go, don't need them around
Cause it's time, lose your friends, make them go, was never supposed to be like this
They were too weak, too prone to break
Their needs too deep, their skin too thin
By now you took what was to take
Tear it apart and start again
So go on, if this will make you happier
It got you this far, did what you had to
You've wasted every moment of your Saturdays and your Sundays
You're wasted from the boredom, was never supposed to be like this
Like your father said, just do what was done unto you..always
In your father's steps you'll do what was done unto you
It won't be hard to start again
So go on, if this will make you happier
It got you this far, do what you have to
(Well you knew this would come)
And you're gone now
(And you've left me all alone)
And did it make you happier?
(And you're lost and long gone, don't take it so seriously)
It wasn't that hard
(Go on and get goin, I'm fine on my own)
Did what you had to
(We got you this far, finally got it figured out)
One more itch you son of a bitch
You've been wasting my time...always
And now you're half awake
You bend till you break
And make the same mistakes...always
So go on, if this will make you happier
It got you this far, do what you have to
(Well you knew this would come)
And you're gone now
(And you've left me all alone)
And did it make you happier?
(And you're lost and long gone, don't take it so seriously)
It wasn't that hard
(Go on and get goin, I'm fine on my own)
Did what you had to
(We got you this far, finally got it figured out)

Some days it is incredible how pertinent a song can be. I fell asleep to this one last night
and have listened to it about 15 times today.

I'll be here. Same as always.

Today has been a heck of a day. It seems so long. Let me start at the beginning.

I got up.

I wrote a few emails to take care of things I should have taken care of last night but did not because I didn't do a damned thing last night.

I went to class. Found out that "savings bonds make great gifts" and not much else.

I dropped my computer off at IAIT because my fan seemed to be broken and because my computer was overheating a lot. They replaced my fan and the compound attaching my processor to the heat sink. That's kind of key.

I ate lunch. Lunch is always good. =)

I went to class, failed a reading quiz because I didn't do the reading I was supposed to. I got to leave class early though because I didn't have my computer to do the in-class assignment.

I took a nap instead of class. The nap was fabulous. I had a weird dream though. I dremt I was in Justin's house and a brown rabbit jumped in through his back door and came up to me. It jumped at my legs like Mr. Wiggles does when I first come in, wanting to say hi. I was freaked out by how nice the rabbit was. I was afraid it probably had rabies since it was so friendly. Then I tried to take the rabbit to the vet to check so I could keep it if it was ok. I had to fight off several dogs who were trying to eat the rabbit in order to leave. The dream ended before I even got past the dogs. I was winning though. Then I had a dream that I was in my building and the entire building was one big party. I was in the lobby with two beers, a red cup in one hand and a bottle in the other. Both were full. I was drunk. Then I realized I was in the lobby and shouldn't be drinking in my building in public, so I threw it all away. But there were other RAs there too that were drunk. Then I had two foot races through the woods. It was super-muddy so it was hard to run, but I could feel the energy drain out of me as I ran as fast as I could. I won both times. Then I was climbing a bookcase to get to some higher level where Keith and Nicki were. The bookcase kept breaking as I tried to climb it.

Then I went to Controls. Once again, I haven't a fucking clue what is going on. I hate that class. I would like to learn, I just can't from my professor.

I went to ME505 and met with my group to try to get some work done on our project. We didn't get too far but we found a little bit of useful info for our project.

I went to play a little GTA San Andreas in Steve and John's room. I was quickly displaced from the controller when "my turn ended." I left.

I went to dinner with a group from my floor. That was good. Pizza is so damned tasty its not even funny.

I tried to work on applying for jobs but I got super tired so I took a nap. I had a dream that New Res was filled with Adventure/Obstacle courses instead of rooms. I was Spiderman. I jumped down the middle of the main staircase but my web wasn't strong enough to let me go down slowly so I had to use my arms as brakes against the stairwell. I was also running from the cops in the Adventure Land when I was Spiderman.

Then I went back to work applying for jobs. Online applications are the stupidest motherfucking things ever! I got so pissed. I had to enter a phone number for each of my jobs, so I had to just enter x's. That one makes a little bit of sense, it just made me angry. Then there was this problem.

WTF??? How long have I been communicating verbally and in writing....hmm....since I was 5! When was the last time I used the skill??????? I'M USING IT NOW!!!!! What is my level of interest in 'Assertiveness?' WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?! seriously... Then a printer company asked me where I go to school...They think its still Rose-Hulman Polytech Institute. They make printers...it hasn't been Rose-Hulman Polytech since before the invention of printers! Then, on the 9th of 11 pages, they finally asked me if I had obligations that would prevent me from being able to work for them. Shouldn't that have been the first damned question?? Then when you answer yes, they say "thank you, goodbye". First of all, if you can't work for them, why are you applying. Secondly, if you can't work for them, why do they wait til you've already filled out so much of the application before making you quit. YOU CAN'T WORK FOR THEM! WHY FILL OUT THE APPLICATION, MUCH LESS ALMOST 90% OF THE APPLICATION! AAAAHAHHHHH! This is driving me nuts.

I'm going to finish my homework and go to bed. Goodnight.

Friday night I helped DJ the BSB cookout/campout. I don't think anyone camped out, but I had a good time playing music for people. I always do. I wish I had the ability to actually make the music instead of just choosing the set-list.

I got your rhymes goin' round in my head
I got your super sonic beats mixin up my keds
So dance little DJ come on
What's your name
I wanna move but it don't feel right
Coz you've been playing all the people's songs all night
So tell me what your tryin' to say
What's your name

Hey, rollover DJ
You're spinnin' away
All my time
Hey, who cares what you play
Say whatever you say
Coz i dont mind
Hey, rollover DJ
If you don't mind

Well I know that you think you're a star
A pill popping jukebox is all that you are
So tell me it ain't that way
What's your name

Yeah

Hey, rollover DJ
You're spinnin' away
All my time

Hey, who cares what you play
Say whatever you say
Coz i dont mind
Hey, rollover DJ
If you don't mind

Yeah

Hey, rollover DJ
You're spinnin' away
All my time
Hey, who cares what you play
Say whatever you say
Coz i dont mind

Hey, rollover DJ
If you don't mind

Hey, rollover DJ
If you don't mind

Hey, rollover DJ
If you don't mind

Yeah

I understand the song and somewhat agree. I'm just a pillpopping jukebox. No matter, I enjoy being a DJ anyway.

Last night was Milks' party. It was a hella good time. I played a little too much flippy cup with alcohol. Not like last time, just more than I would have liked to. I had a really cute DD. =) Then last night I had a dream. My dad and his cousin were making fun of us (Justin, our other friends and me) for the party. They were telling us it was a lame-ass party because we didn't even finish off half a keg and 3 cases of beer. They also gave us shit because some of us (me included) played flippy cup with water. Then, because this is what they always do, they challenged us to a game of flippy cup with Pepsi. (How that doesn't go against everything they were making fun of us for, I don't know.) We kicked their asses.

Today, Justin, Humbert and I went to Denny's for breakfast at 2pm. First, we played a game of flippy cup with Tang though. It was Justin and Humbert against me. I'm a slow drinker so I lost. I got both cups on the first flip though. At Denny's Justin and I split 3 Grand Slams. So I had 3 pancakes, 4 eggs, 3 pieces of bacon, 3 sausage links, and 2 pieces of toast. As we were waiting for the food, we saw the Carrot Cake advertised for dessert. I wanted some sooo bad but dessert is expensive at resteraunts and we knew we wouldn't be able to eat the cake right away, so we stopped at the store for carrot cake mix on the way back to Justin's. They didn't have any carrot cake mix though so we got some carrots, some cream cheese icing and went back to Justin's to find a recipe online. We baked a carrot cake from scratch. We didn't do the greatest job with the batter, so we wound up burning up the motor in Justin's mixer. We took out one of the beaters and put it in the cordless drill and finished mixing that way. I can't wait til 10 when we get to eat it. Other than that...I called home and I have plenty of work to get done. Most of it not school work.

I suck at being productive.

On my way back from class I had to wait as a front-end loader crossed the bridge. When he passed me, I was deafened by the engine noise and the smell of diesel exhaust filled my nostrils. In that instant, my backpack was gone and a half empty 80lb bag of Kwik-crete replaced it. My muscles were soar and I was physically drained. For just a moment, a strong feeling of manliness welled up inside of me.

I chickened out last night. I went back to Jake's room and swept all the cone up before he came back. I realized that when he retaliated, I would wind up pissed off. I don't get angry about much at all, but I'm almost certain his revenge would have pissed me off. Oh well.

So tonight at dinner...I tossed a carrot at Jake as I have done a few times before. For the second time he came and broke an ice cream cone over my head. I'm not sure, but these seem to be unequal actions. In response...I broke several ice cream cones in his bed and one on his desk chair. This was a bad move because I know that Jake will retaliate, no doubt with something even worse...considering the amplification from 'not even hitting him with a piece of food' to 'break an ice cream cone over my head.' I just hope he doesn't decide to ruin some of my stuff. Either way, I wish very badly that I had done nothing because I know when he returns the favor I will become extremely pissed. In other words, I got myself into a game I should have known better than to play. I hate pranks like that and now I'm fucked. Bah! I'm a fool.

(any incoherency can be blamed on the nap from which i just awoke.)

Today was a chilly, rainy, autumn day. I loved it.

The weather seemed to put everyone else around here in a miserable mood and that turned sour a day I started out very much enjoying.

Did you read that last sentence twice?

Bet you did now.

John and I went to Steak N Shake. They messed up my bill. Then they sort of fixed it. I still felt ripped off.

I think I am becoming more and more like my father every day. It doesn't bother me. I think I'm rather proud of it.

Lots of girls say he is a handsome guy. That bothers me. A lot.

Did you read that sentence twice yet?

The day has made me paranoid.

What is optimal speed? 50%? 93.4%? 7%? Afterburner burns fuel too quickly. Throttle down too far and you stall; plummeting to your doom.

I wish I had learned somewhere in school the appropriate use of a semi-colon; As the end of a statement in certain programming languages doesn;t count; I mean in the English language;

I like to fly. I don't have the wings for it. Birds do though.

Some birds don't.

Do other birds consider ostriches handicapped?

Is that how you spell handicapped?

How about ostriches?

I think this is my favorite entry so far.

I have been meloncholy and reflective today. Forgive me if I come off as unfriendly or unhappy. It will pass.

Our lives are songs; God writes the words
And we set them to music at pleasure;
And the song grows glad, or sweet or sad,
As we choose to fashion the measure.
ELIA WHEELER WILCOX

His great-aunt sat there, wanting to love us, wanting to know us, asking us questions and telling us stories. He sat there, uncomfortable and unwelcoming. I sat there uncomfortable and unwelcoming. She told us stories of her life and she asked us questions about ours but we just sat, disengaged. There was a chance for us to share of ourselves with her and to recieve what she had also to give. I regret that we didn't take that opportunity; that we chose not to listen to the song she played for us.

Lord, I pray that I not be so deaf to other people's songs, even if they are to tunes different than my own.

I want to travel. Everywhere. Anyone want to come along?

Autumn is beautiful.

I broke my finger a few weeks ago playing IM football. I have had to wear a little brace on it since then. It hasn't stopped me from doing much, except playing IM football. It slows my typing and it makes my handwriting really sloppy, but otherwise I have felt relatively unaffected by it. It doesn't even stop me from coloring. ;-)

Today was different. I was in lab working with some legos. I had to put some legos that were on my lab bench away on the other side of the room. When I tried to pick them up, I couldn't grab them in a fist because of the splint. When I tried to scoop them off the table into my hand, they spilled everywhere because I couldn't make an appropriate cup with my hand. I became frustrated that I couldn't conquer this simple obstacle. My lab partner told me to just hold my hand out and she would put them in it.

She was doing her best to help me, but I felt something I had never felt before. I felt helpless and I felt something between being a burdon and being looked down upon. I know that's not what my lab partner meant by it at all, but I couldn't help but feel those things. I needed to be able to pick up those legos on my own. I needed to feel that frustration resulting from my temporary disability and overcome it.

I can only speculate that this situation was different than others in which I have recieved assistance because I am not sure that I could have accomplished this task on my own. It may have also been because I felt like I wasn't as good as my lab partner because I couldn't pick up some legos on my own; a simple task that most of us can accomplish without any real thought.

It makes me wonder how I make other people feel, people who can't do some of the things that I take for granted. Do I make people feel as horrible as I did yesterday when they can't do a simple integral and I can? Do I make others feel like less of a person when I offer to make things 'easier' for them instead of letting them try to do everything else under the same circumstances everyone else does? Could it be that I make people feel that way just by offering to help too often, or when they don't really need it? I might not want to make them feel that way, but that doesn't always matter to them, they still feel the way they do, independent of my intentions.

----

"...
People really need help but may
turn against you if you help them.
Help people anyway
..."

I was just about ready to post this when that part of a larger poem ran through my head. I have always very much liked that prayer/poem. I have always thought it true. But right now I am wondering how correct it is. Would it be better for people to actually accomplish things or would it be better for them to feel good about themselves, to feel accomplished?

What/who determines our level of accomplishment?

--

Imagine this situation: A man is in the hospital with a life-threatening disease, but one that can be treated. If he refuses treatment, an option to which he has the right, he will certainly die. The man has a wonderful wife, great kids, a large home, a nice car, and a good job. He wants to refuse treatment, practically committing suicide, because he thinks he has a shitty life, unhappy with his accomplishments.

Would you tell him that most people would be extremely greatful to have half of what he has? Would you try to tell him that he should continue living, that he has so much to live for, that he has accomplished so much and he should do everything in his power to continue living?

-

Most people seem to say that he should live, they try to tell him that his life is 'worth' living.

Now imagine that the man in the hospital is extremely poor. He owns only one or two pairs of clothes. He stands with other bums around a burning barrel every night and lives in a pile of trash. He has no family that will claim him and he is at the very bottom of the societal ladder. But he is extremely happy. Much happier than the man described above.

Would you try to describe to him how happy society has decided that he should be? Would you tell him how bad his life really is, how unaccomplished he is and that he shouldn't be happy?


"...
People really need help but may
turn against you if you help them.
Help people anyway
..."

If it makes them unhappy to have your help, should you really help them? Should they be happy with what they have or should someone decided that they need to be able to do certain things or to have certain things, even if getting those things makes them feel disabled; makes them feel bad about themselves?

God, give me
the serenity to accept -- even joyfully--
the things (about me) that I can't change,
the courage to change the things (about me)
that I ought to change, and
the wisdom to know one from the other.
Serenity Prayer (adapted)

Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston Pie,
A fly can't bird, but a bird can fly.
Ask me a riddle and I reply:
"Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston Pie"

Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston Pie,
A fish can't whistle and neither can I.
Ask me a riddle and I reply:
"Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston Pie"

Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston Pie,
Why does a chicken, I don't know why.
Ask me a riddle and I reply:
"Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston Pie"
Cottleston Pie, from Winnie-the-Pooh (in The Tao of Pooh)

I have been dreading graduation. I do not want to leave this place, I love the people here, I love the challenge here. I love that I can stay up til 2am and be ok the next day. Some days I realize that I have to move on. When I can accept that, I feel so much better. I enjoy the present so much more and fear the future so much less.

How often do I try to be someone that I'm really not? Every time I have realized I was doing it, I have felt so much better, so relieved, like I was carrying an unnecessary burdon. That's what I get out of the Cottleston Pie song. I need to realize that I can't do everything others can do, some things can't be done, and not everything that is done needs to be or can be understood. I just hope I can figure out which things I can do but have not yet worked hard enough for. Like getting a job that I like. Like a happy post-graduation future while being at least somewhat realistic about how much money I will make or what position I might hold.

"Someone said, 'I am three persons: the person I think I am, the person you think I am, and the person I really am.'"

Yesterday, I gave twenty answers to the question "Who am I?" Ideally, if I asked others, they would give answers to match. I hope that I would get at least some similar answers whether I asked a friend or a foe; that I show my truest self always, that I am not fake. Something to focus on...

So this one is going to appear stolen, but that's ok. I told a cerBtain rfriendi of mine about it and she beat me to blogging it. I think it's important enough for me to repeat.

"Astronaut John Glenn says a standard test for astronaut candidates was to have them give twenty answers to the question 'Who am I?' 'The first few answers were easy. After that, it got harder."


1. I am a brother
2. I am a son
3. I am a christian
4. I am a Catholic
5. I am an RA
6. I am a student
7. I am a lacrosse player
8. I am a fan of soccer
9. I am trustworthy
10. I am a friend
11. I am a leader
12. I am intelligent
13. I am a dreamer
14. I am a thinker
15. I am a lover of music
16. I am honest
17. I am a nerd
18. I am giving
19. I am humble
20. I am proud


It's frightening how difficult this became. Obviously some peBople hrave a liot easier time with it than I do. It brought up for me a few interesting questions. "Am I a well-rounded individual?" and "How well do I know myself?"

It is interesting to look at the kind of answers I gave and which I did not. Now that I have struggled to come up with 20, I realize that things like "I am a boy" "I am blonde" "I am dead sexy" ;) kidding. "I am American", etc. didn't make the list. There seems to be a defenite difference between the answers I gave and those I subconciously omitted. Maybe I should more readily see those sides of myself as well?

I've been doing this program at St. Joes in Terre Haute called "Challenge." It is basically a guided prayer program derived from the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius. But the really cool thing is that in addition to helping me pray, there are many thought provoking ideas and stories in the book. You will more than likely see some of them here. Comments keep the ideas growing.