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Well, here I am. My first day of vacation as I get geared up to move back to the States. Am I excited? Actually, no. I'm very reluctant. Well, I should rephrase that. I am excited as hell to see my family. Perhaps I will have the opportunity to see a few friends. Those things excite me to no end. But that is a small part of it.

I am afraid of going back. I'm scared of all that goes with starting over somewhere new. New friends, new job, new neighbors, new apartment, new everything. But that would be normal even if I was to relocate within the USA.

-But I'm scared of the 24 hour supermarkets. I really came to enjoy the fact that I could spend my evenings doing something besides shopping.
-I'm scared of the constant cell phone usage. People send SMS/text messages like crazy here, but they don't spend so much time on a cell phone. I have never been with someone who spent their time on the phone with someone else.
-I'm scared of having to drive my own car everywhere I want to go and I'm scared of the loneliness that goes along with not using public transportation. People watching is a very theraputic event. It reminds me that there are other people here riding the train or bus and all of them have different challenges in their life. Driving makes me selfish and I don't like that.
-Most of all, I'm scared of the food. I am afraid of the taco bell and the wendy's and the tv dinners and the corn syrup candy and the genetically modified fruits and the hamburger helper.

-To say that I am afraid of drying my clothes in a dryer would be an exaggeration, but I have no desire to do it. If anything, I want to keep drying my clothes by line because of the energy it saves.
-To say that I'm afraid of speaking English all the time would be a lie, but I want to keep this opportunity to improve my German.
-To say that I am not excited to meet new people where ever my life takes me next would be untrue, but I feel sick inside at the idea of leaving the friends I have here. It will be difficult to find a place so diverse as what I have here.
-More so, I am afraid of being surrounded by so many people who are so ignorant to the rest of the world. Having only lived on 2 of the 7 continents, I already feel how ignorant I used to be. At least now I know have some better idea of the true extent of my ignorance. There is still so much more I can't even begin to understand.
-I'm afraid of slipping into that American, spoon-fed comatose as well. In the States, we Americans don't conciously choose our ignorance, there are so many factors. Distance from other distinct cultures, size of our country, our economic and political power (for better or worse), our media, our politicians, our short vacations[see below].
-I'm afraid of living to work instead of working to live. I have rarely in the US worked with people who work so hard as they did here and I have rarely partied/vacationed/relaxed so hard/long/relaxingly with people in the US as I did with people here. Maybe I'm lazy, but I will miss the 30 days of vacation that gave me the chance not only to refuel from work but to travel and explore and grow beyond the walls of my apartment, office, or some weekend retreat. With so little time, many fewer Americans seem to travel. (fueling the ignorance)

Everywhere I go, I seem to make so many new friends. I love that. I look forward to that opportunity to meet new people. I am afraid of the changes to my relationships that will be required by distance. Kyle and Ben and I won't just hang out and drink beers anymore. Guillermo, Patricia, Catarina, Jennifer, Kyle and I won't be going on another rained-out beach vacation any time soon. Somehow, it still sucks to leave each new group. And somehow I can't stop doing it.