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I feel as if there is something which wishes to explode forth from my chest. I don't know what it is. I miss so many people, so many places, so many memories. I am aching so badly with it this evening. EVERYTHING from my 3rd grade classmates and my 4th grade teacher to high school swim practices to trying to do a headstand-pushup and falling on my head and hurting myself real bad at wrestling practice to the gazillion people who made such an impact on me in college to my family to my grandmothers and my grandfathers, four people who i don't think could be much more different, or, at least as grandparents go to lacrosse to european travel with a great friend whom i started to piss off in a few days time to falling for the 'there's a quarter stuck to your forehead' trick in college to staff trip to fast track to kimball camp to singing camp songs ridiculously loud and feloniously off-key to past girlfriends and records set in grade school gym to only knowing my height in the past year or so because i was so ashamed of my shortness for the 20-22 years before that that i always struck it automatically from my memory to cyo basketball practices to the music i listened to in gradeschool, in high school, in college to the two girls in gradeschool who were a little bit creepy but were very friendly to me to playing soccer or football or basketball at recess and being 'good' because i was willing to run faster, harder and longer than anyone else to playing travel soccer and being pissed at marcus because he had already won his trophies so he didn't give a shit if we did well in the tournaments we were in (what a washout) to the crazy college guy who reminded me of someone from limp bizkit who was my freshman lacrosse coach and made us do sprints, then slide in a giant puddle of mud one practice to george, my soccer coach who was from south africa to that crazy middle-eastern guy who was the most competitive (to the point of excess) coach for the celtics to grade school crushes and never knowing what to do about them (oh wait, that still happens) to staff meetings where i would rate everyone at the meeting for their contribution (or lack-there-of) to breakfast club and sittin' club to all-nighters doing con-aps or systems homework to all nighters doing nothing but keeping my sophomores from doing their systems or con-aps homework to saving a goal on the house team when i played in maumee and my dad's story about how the people on the sideline were asking 'where the hell did he come from' because i ran back from out of nowhere to keep the ball from going in the goal to staying up all night with the other camp counselors even though we knew that we would be dead the entire rest of the week because, lets face it, being responsible for 12 loud, fiesty, energetic 7 year olds is tiring to being afraid of ghosts at my cousins and my dad pulling me aside and telling me to grow up, there's no such thing as ghosts to yearly camping trips with my cousins where the dads would eat an entire cooler of food each per day and the kids would spend the entire day catching nothing with fishing poles and the entire night catching nothing with frog spears to opening campfire at summer camp to dueling with david with swords made of bamboo to dinners with my family where 8 different conversations would take place simultaneously with only 6 people sitting at the table to seeing the cherry blossoms bloom on my street before they cut down all the beautiful trees to put in city water lines to finding 6-8 dying carp in the backyard after a big flood then taking them to the creek to let them go before going to school to going out in our row boat with my dad to clean up all the stinky dead fish that would break open with a nearly-toxic smell when we tried to pick them up in the net to throw them away and doing it because no one else in the community had the nuts (or the juniority (gegenteil von seniority)) to do it to seeing a german girl in the subway in munich that inspired me to write the only piece of literature i have ever written of my own free will to going to arizona with the guys and bridget and riding four wheelers around the dunes and hiding from a giant windstorm at pizza hut with keith's uncle who was a really cool guy to high school football games to... basically, all my life seems to be flashing before me and it makes me feel like i want to explode. It makes me feel like I can never go home because no matter where I will go, there will be so many homes at which I cannot concurrently be present. "And I still haven't found what I'm looking for." I feel like I couldn't even know what I'm looking for, how could i find anything better? But I can't stay put, life is not stagnant.

[30 second pause to catch up to reality]

(Interruption: I know that I am writing about the same thing that everyone is going through now, already has gone through several times, or will go through [again?]. I'm sorry if that bothers/bores you.)

It's so freakin hard to recognize that I can't go back to the lives that have made me so happy in the past because it's not there anymore. Everyone who has been so important in my life has moved on, the things aren't the same as they used to be. Some of the relationships last, some of them go, most of them just change a little. It's so hard to look to the future and decide now what will make me happy about this next step in my life and then do everything that I need to do to make that happen; to make me happy. I'm trying to be proactive, to take my own life into my own hands and make my own happiness but it feels like there is something I'm not doing or maybe I can't do to get there.

Last statements: I'm frustrated. I guess if I was busy 100% of the time making the wonderful memories that I have, some of which were listed above, I would never have time to remember the memories. What, then, would be the point? I miss you, my friends. Even those of you I haven't talked to in years, I think of you often. I hope you are all doing well.