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I love pinball. I don't love it for the motion of the flippers or the bouncing of the ball, I love it because they can create such deep story lines with such impossible goals. For example, if you are running a Windows XP machine, check out the 3D pinball game that came with Windows. There are 9 ranks you 'can' achieve. Each one being more and more impossible to reach. Check out the help file for the game...you can click on the various bumpers and targets and see what they do. But that's only the first dimension of the game. After hitting certain targets, you accept missions, which require you to hit this target and that target before sending the ball up a certain ramp or into a certain sink-hole. On second thought, you might want to not check out the game or the help file. If you begin to understand what's going on in the game, you may become as addicted as I. Its incredible. I love pinball.

I got a call from my Alex in Russia yesterday. That was pretty exciting.

I got contacts on Friday. I came home with my glasses on and told my mom I got contacts. She immediately goes, "Oh, that's nice. Can I see them?" So I took off my glasses.

The secret's out, BA does NOT stand for 'Bad Attitude', they just don't want to tell you that it really stands for 'Bad Ass' 'cause that's dirty language.

Fuck the Uzbeks
We're not leaving our valuable outpost for fighting our war against "The Terrorists" on your territory. We need it. To...investigate! Investigate the human rights violations you've been guilty of! SHAME ON YOU! Besides...Let's see you try to make us leave. Bitches.

"Hurry up and land this thing. He's gonna wake up and break these straps and make us eat our shoes."

Great Diet! Wanna Fuck?

Problem: Reduce 3 lanes of traffic with an average speed of 70mph with 1 car every 70 feet to an average speed of 10mph for a distance of 8 miles. You may not close more than 4 lane-miles. Explain your answer.

Solution: Close 2 of the three lanes of traffic for 2 miles each, resulting in 4 lane-miles of closure. Now, begin indicating the closure of those lanes approximately 10 miles before it actually happens.

Rationale: By indicating the closure so soon, the three main types of drivers will be sorted and put to the most efficient use. The drivers who understand the concept of a Queue will immediately and efficiently merge into the open lane of traffic. The jackasses of the bunch will move to the lanes to be closed with their level of jackassishness being clearly indicated by how far from the open lane they venture. For example, the fuckers who drive on the shoulder exceed all bounds of jackass and deserve to die a horribly painful death to the delight of all of the other drivers they are attempting to pass, wrongfully. This is only the beginning of the speed reduction. At this point the cars begin to move closer together as people vie for spaces, but the speed remains mostly unchanged as cars can easily merge into position as determined by their level of jackassness.

When the jackasses in the closed lanes determine they have passed enough of the people that they believe themselves to be better than (fuckers can burn in hell), they attempt to merge into the open lane. This is when the second party of driver emerges. (too often I fall into this category). The self-righteous decide it is their turn to help slow things down. At this point, they have determined that they, having done the right thing and gotten into the open lane when the sign told them to, should not allow any of the jackasses into the open lane. As a result, they follow very closely on the tail of the person in front of them, often increasing the risk of a fender bender, but at least the jackasses who attempted to jump to the front of the queue will get what's coming to them, now they'll have to wait until the end of the line for their turn.

But they don't have to wait. The third and third-and-a-half group of drivers finishes the speed reduction. This group is the group that lets the jackasses into the open lane. Some of them do it purely out of incompetence/safety. They don't really want to let the jackasses in, but they either are incapable of following the vehicle in front of them close enough or they realize it is foolish and not worth it. The other part of this group is 'nice' (this is how I try to be when I have the strength to look past the fact that I'm extremely pissed off at the jackasses for not merging when they should have).

The three groups of drivers combine their powers to turn a freeway with relatively little traffic moving at high, yet reasonable, speed into a clusterfuck.

Saturday morning, my dad and two brothers and I left for Dillon State Park, just north of Zanesville, OH. We spent 2 nights at the Holiday Inn in Zanesville and went to the park to hike and swam and just spent the weekend together since we seem to rarely get that chance anymore. Anyway, I had a great time with them. They are great guys and they crack me up. Especially Tyler. He is the life of the party. Absolutely hilarious.

Dane Cook's new CD/DVD combo comes out tomorrow! I'm so excited. I reserved a copy on Friday and I have been waiting impatiently all weekend for it.

Two weeks from Wednesday I get on an airplane and I move halfway around the world to Germany. I'm excited as hell and I'm scared shitless.

Fuck the 'fruit' flavored sugar, I just want to buy the Lik-a-stix in bulk.

I went to Borders bookstore today. There I met a guy who could not read. It was a humbling experience. The guy was about 20 or 22, I would guess. He walked up to me while I was searching for something on the computer and asked me "Hey, does this say E40?" as he pointed to one of the CDs in his hand. I affirmed his suspicions and he asked me about another CD he had. Again he was right. He asked me if one of the men photographed on the back of the CD was G-Unit, I told him I had no idea but that the CD he held was the one he indeed had thought it was. I found it very sad that he could not read. It made me think about all of the reading that I do every day in so many situations. It sucked, hardcore.

My Alex leaves for Russia on Friday. I'm so excited for her. I hope she has the time of her life. I can't wait to go pick her up from the airport in a few weeks and hear all about how much fun she had and stuff. :)

Biblical Quest #1:
Move Mountain(s). Moving more than one mountain results in an increase in Conscience Points and one Get Out of Hell Free Card.

Note: Moving more than two mountains does not result in more than one Get Out of Hell Free Card.

Solution: Send my mother and sister on an overnight trip. The two of them managed to load mountains of shit into the back of our suburban. I hope the little girls they are supposed to take with them can fit inside the external compartments on their luggage or they'll have to walk.

I watched The Pacifier today. The one with Vin Diesel that looks really dumb and cheesy...one of those 'tough guy realizes he has a heart inside of his muscle-bound chest and falls in love with a bunch of kids and probably a woman too' movies. I liked it. I'm not sure it was necessarily a 'good' movie, but it made me feel good. There were a few funny parts, a few extremely cheesy parts, but overall...I realized that a movie doesn't have to be a good movie for me to like it. This was probably one of those. Actually, I'm not sure why this would make it a bad movie. In fact, I think it would make it a very good movie. People seem to think that movies that make you feel in this manner are bad movies, but that's what a movie's supposed to do, make you feel. More commen emotions include romantic love, lust, anger, pride, etc, but this should not be excluded just because the audience includes children and the feelings invoked are slightly different.

I love dial-up.

That's a lie. I hate it.

I figured out today why so many people prefer to steal music rather than buy CDs. They're freakin hard to open. The cellophane is impossible to take off in less than 2 minutes and the sticker(s) around the edges is hard to open too. The sticker(s) around the edges is superfluous.

I thought I was so cool today, I decided to sit outside at my sister's swim meet without a shirt on. Now I have some funny as farmer's burn. Maybe its more like white-trash burn. Anyway, I have two lines of unburned skin across my stomach and chest and I have two little wings or ears on my belly button. (I was sitting the whole time). And my back is pretty burned too.

I built most of something today and watched several episodes of TV shows: The A-Team and Stargate SG-1.

Goodnight.

It happened again. There was a good reason for me to make another post tonight, but...I can't for the life of me remember what it is. In fact, I think there where two reasons. Oh well.

I was going to make a post. But my computer, combined with the brilliance of Dialup internet access, have prolonged my post to the point that I have forgotten what it was I wished to post. This happens a lot, I think of things to post, then forget.

There were a few things. One of them was that my brother's friend died. It sucks ass. It makes me sad to hear about someone dying so young. Especially since everyone loved the kid. My brother said he had to wait for an hour and a half outside the funeral home today and another half an hour inside before he got to see the body.

I made a little "budget" today. That means that I looked at all my bank statements and put all of my expenditures into categories: food, gas, entertainment, cash (withdrawls), and misc/travel. Internet banking makes that VERY easy to do. I found out that I spend money on two things. And I hate them both. In the month of June, I ONLY spend money on gas and food. That pissed me off. On the other hand...in august, when I don't drive a car or eating food, I won't have to spend ANY money. Except to buy a new toy wallet to put my play money in.

Oddly enough, when I came up with the title of this post, it reminded me of the other thing I wished to post. In August, the best movie in the galaxy, produced or dreamt up, will be rereleased with commentary from the the two stars and probably other people too and with outtakes as well. That's right folks: Tommyboy: Holy Schnikes Edition I don't think I've ever looked so forward to the release of a movie. Or any other form of entertainment, for that matter. Hopefully Amazon will ship to Europe. And will accept play money.